Memories of Mallorca

[Long Read]


I can remember my first visit to Mallorca as if it were yesterday. Flying to Palma is one of those destinations where half the plane is on their way to one type of holiday (The Magaluf party crowd) and the other half are on their way to an entirely different type of holiday (one of endless tapas, day boats, and narrow streets packed with small shops and tiny churches). But there’s another side to Mallorca which I also enjoy, a few hours drive away from Palma where it’s much quieter. This style a travel agents refer to as “barefoot luxury”. Well, it’s not quite barefoot luxury for a high heels addict like me, but this expression is about the easygoing nature of being in a more remote location. Day to day life is reduced to a new reality; a reality where each day there are only 2 important decisions to make: what do I want to eat, and how many times do I fancy a ****?


They say life is simple and of course the truth is it isn’t, but Mallorca has always been one of my happy places. It offers me everything I look for in a sunny holiday: the dining (fantastic Mallorca cuisine which has its own identity separate from mainland Spain), the golf (on holiday there’s only one way to play golf with me and that’s 9 holes, then get tipsy in the clubhouse then back to the hotel for a celebratory 10th and 11th hole), then of course there’s the natural beauty of the place – I love the dramatic cliff edges, mile high pine trees, and blue sea only comparable to the Caribbean and certain parts of Greece. What else? The history in Palma… one day I went for a morning walk with no map and stumbled across so many gorgeous old buildings and the massive cathedral. Whereas in some parts of Europe the churches feel like a place to be punished, in much of the Mediterranean they are a place of endless wonder and inspiration. Although I’m not religious, I still find so much beauty in religious buildings. Some of these buildings I feel completely overwhelmed by the architecture and beauty when I walk in. No matter how many times I enter a space like this every single time I look up to the ceiling and think “how on earth did they build this thing 500 years ago?!”


This is a bit off topic but someone once told me the reason the airport in Palma is so massive and modern is that one of the American states ordered an airport (you know what I mean, commissioned to have one made) and then apparently there was some issue with this deal and it fell apart and so somehow Palma ended up with an airport intended for a much larger place. I’ve never fact-checked this story as I loved it so much so prefer to believe it 🙂


Anyway back to why I love Mallorca. The fine dining there is a very mixed bag (mostly not good), but dining at 2 Michelin Star Voro on my most recent visit was a real treat and an excellent experience. Oh to sip a glass of chilled cava on the terrace as the sun goes down before such a creative and brilliant meal at the restaurant. I also love the tapas and local ingredients, it’s so easy to eat well here because the produce and seafood is so good. On another previous visit staying at a villa it was such a joy to visit the local market and come up with a simple dish of grilled fish with grilled red pepper salad, which was very much appreciated by my company. This was the first time I had an experience in a villa and it was very enjoyable. It doesn’t work for everyone I’m sure but for me it was really perfect, a nice slow pace of holiday and also cooking which is one of my passions (you light the BBQ and choose the wines, I will do the rest).


I love the sea and when I’m not eating everything in it, being on it works too. Mallorca is an ideal place for a day trip on a boat, sailing paddle board, or even just the lovely feeling of enjoying a lunch by the sea, with the sea breeze and beautiful views to compliment the food. I love the seafood! Juicy prawns and local lobster are on many of the menus, and of course Spanish people are so naturally warm and hospitable. Some times in the UK, or in London at least, it’s starting to feel like a lot of people are becoming increasingly cold and miserable, but in Spain I feel the zest for life in the culture, something I really enjoy as I am a warm blooded person myself. Some sunshine and being away from home is such a remedy for life’s stresses, and of course when travelling with a romantic partner, everything is better. When I used to have more time I would solo travel a lot, and I had some great experiences, but all my favourite memories are of course of travelling with a lover. I am a deeply romantic person, it’s part of my DNA. Romance for me is an erotic experience, it turns me on. I love to get dressed up for dinner, to have my thigh rubbed in the back of a taxi, to walk into our hotel room and see a gift on the table. A holiday as I’m sure you know is less than half of the magic, by which I mean you can be in the most beautiful place, at the best hotel, with perfect weather and everything you could want but if you are with the wrong person that slice of paradise can feel like hell. However this scenario with a lover who you have attraction, humour, and connection with is my favourite experience available on this earth. 


As an aside, it’s said in life that you attract the things you fear, so I want to make it very clear how ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED I am of being taken to the Maldives. So afraid 🥲


Mallorca is also one of the few places where I’ve been to the same hotels a few times (I’m a real slut when it comes to travelling, I tend to like trying new places every time), however here there are a couple of adults only hotels in Canyamel which I adore and are exactly my style of super high quality but with no annoying people filming everything for TikTok). I have to go to adults only hotels because kids love me and no sooner have I sat down and reached for my Vogue magazine than someone’s 3 year old comes running at me with an iPad, and it’s goodbye Bond Girl, and hello free childcare. 30 minutes later I’ve been forced against my will to learn the Peppa Pig dance and the purpose of the holiday (me, you, adventures, blowjob on a balcony etc etc) is lost completely.


For a longer trip it’s also nice to attempt a hike (by hike I mean slightly challenging long walk), as the views of the island are spectacular and parts are very steep which makes for a good workout if you like that sort of thing (which I do). Spain is often overlooked as a luxury destination but two of my favourite places in Europe, Mallorca and Madrid, have both given me so many great memories and special experiences, this destination will always have a special place in my heart.


Why sex is better on holiday is one of those unanswerable questions like why does British Airways class itself as a premium airline when once they gave me (I kid you not) nothing but a bag of crisps and some nuts on a 6 hour flight. I’ve always said there’s a time and a place for a mouth full of nuts but this most certainly wasn’t it. 


I have 3 main theories as to why intimacy with a lover feels even better overseas:


  1. Because it’s not on a schedule. It can be quite stressful giving yourself a tiny window of time in which everything should happen. Longer trips allow for spontaneous desire. This is the most natural and exciting way to have an erotic experience.
  2. Because when you’re at home you can’t dial “0” on your phone and order an Aperol spritz immediately after. Of course the convenience and luxury of a hotel adds some to the pleasure and makes it feel more naughty.
  3. You’re happier. A sommelier I know says “never waste a good wine on a bad mood”. And I really agree with this. The reason he says this is because when you’re in a good mood, you get the most out of any good experience you have. So maybe in simply being relaxed and happy on holiday, intimacy feels better because you’re in the best mental and physical state to receive it.


I was supposed to be talking about Mallorca, anyway, I must be off… Here’s to our next adventure 🥂


Big kiss,

Billie ❤️

A Dinner Date, 3 Ways

Menu 1

For the Luxury Lover


My outfit: A chic cocktail dress or impeccably fitted trouser suit, tailored jumpsuit or another stylish and sophisticated outfit. I may run some ideas past you first. High heels and killer lingerie underneath are mandatory of course. Nice handbag, beautiful diamond jewellery, Hermes fragrance.


We shall eat: At one of the cities many quality fine dining restaurants. A gastronomic experience with charming company is the injection of glamour, luxury and lust you’ve been craving. Shall we go for the tasting menu? Then back to the hotel for some bubbles (and a hands on inspection of that killer lingerie).


Benefits: Have you ever had your **** ****** by a woman with lips perfectly painted in red Chanel lipstick? I think not! Some well deserved decadence: More is more! 🥂


Menu 2

For the Leisure Lover


My outfit: Impossibly tight jeans, a flirty top and heels, or perhaps a cosy knitted dress and knee high boots (underwear is very much optional), otherwise maybe my signature leather pants (such a threat to public health that they’ve been banned by the EU). Enjoy a moment of sensual escapism with flirtatious, feminine company.


We shall eat: At one of the cities many quality small plates restaurants. Maybe a busy tapas bar, a rustic and romantic little Italian, or trendy Japanese restaurant where I will send you a naughty photo from the bathroom then order a lychee martini and you will be a gentleman and let me eat the last piece of sashimi 😇


Benefits: Watching me wiggle through the restaurant in leather pants without grabbing my bum (I wouldn’t mind) is almost as frustrating as trying to get me out of them. Who doesn’t love a well packaged dessert?



Menu 3

For the Lounge Lover


My Outfit: A bath robe and nothing else. I arrived in nothing but a full length coat and heels so I thought I’d continue the trend. Perhaps some handcuffs if the mood takes us.


We shall eat: In the room, as we are having a lazy and luxurious day so can’t be bothered to venture outside. Our luxury nudist camp is a much more comfortable proposition. You mustn’t forget my order as it isn’t at all complicated (chicken Caesar salad although ideally with prawns instead, with the dressing on the side, olive oil, black pepper and chilli flakes if they’ve got them and also glass of rosé Champagne. And a fruit plate or chocolate fondant depending on how I feel so probably best to order both. Hope you can remember all that 😂)


Benefits: A bubble bath is the perfect way to unwind whilst we wait for our food to arrive. I’m very good at massages – how about you? We’ve decided to watch a film together but of course you’ve fallen asleep shortly after the opening scene. It’s a good job I’m a morning person: a sleepover then breakfast in bed? Why not!

Life Lately

(From top left): Touchdown in Tuscany; Outfit du Jour; Favourite salad to make at home: Bresaola, tomatoes, aged parmesan, oregano; Treats from Chanel, Dinner Noma, Copenhagen; Wish list treat 😍; Skiing in Norway (managed 2 black slopes, somehow!); Trying out a new grip with my 8 iron; 24hrs, 5 pairs of shoes – I don’t make the rules 😇; Think Pink; Touchdown in Lisbon; Dinner at my favourite Mayfair pub.

Memories of Siena (1st Draft)

A poem I wrote on a recent (and first) visit to Siena. Such a special place.

Cypress trees dark and daggerish slice 
Through blueish skies like
Sails through sea.
Olives dangle lazily from silver trees 
Blessed by heaven, fed by earth.
Honeysuckle lines the streets
The goodness of a million suns
On the heaving breast of Tuscan hills
Birds chuckle
Grasses wave
Pruned roses pout their
Fat pink lips.
Vines assemble in battalions
Their fruit will fall to Man someday.
Jaded cedars
Hang high and
Stretch in surrender like the arms of Christ
Under these, the quiet calm
Of moss, fig, and geranium.
Clouds congregate and mourn onto the earth
Like ghosts of lost children.
Fall on wild flowers
With simple faces and
Sophisticated scents.
Boundaryless and bountiful:
The hills of sweet Siena.
Red poppies swing on grassy plains
The fire and flag of Italy.
– BF